Don't Mind Me if I Pass Out

Several months ago I was at the doctor and my heart rate was rather high.  Enough that he said "wow, that's pretty high".  But that was also a time when I was in a great deal of pain and about to start on medications to manage my fibromyalgia.  So we decided the rapid pulse was due to pain and would take the "wait and see" approach.

We tried managing the pain (which is probably 70% managed.) but my heart rate is still resembling an excitable bunny rabbit. 

I'm tired of it.

My blood pressure, normally nice and low, has been having episodes of ridiculously low.  92/fifty-something just doesn't feel very good.  

The combination means that neither can be easily treated!  Treating my high heart rate (usually between 110 and 120) would be bad for my low blood pressure.  Treating my low blood pressure would be bad for my high heart rate!  So then we were going to wait and see if the infection I had at that point was the cause of them.

I decided to try a few studies on my own: is it the fault of allergy medications? caffeine intake? sugar intake?

Well, I haven't taken any allergy medication of any sort for weeks now.  I don't know how that may have affected my blood pressure (I don't have a cuff/scope) but my heart rate is still high.

I do drink Dr Pepper several times a week.  On Livestrong.com it reports that 

Normal [caffeine] consumption levels of a few coffees or sodas, about 250 mg a day, is considered safe and doesn't usually cause problems beyond jitteriness, restlessness and irritability.

32 ounces of Dr Pepper (more than I drink most days) contains about 112 mg of caffeine.  I do also love chocolate, be even a full Hershey's Special  Dark 31 mg. of caffeine.  Compared to a regular Hershey's Milk Chocolate bar which contains only 9 mg.  I hardly eat a whole chocolate bar every day.  Therefore on the HIGH end I MIGHT take in as much as 143 mg. of caffeine each day.  WELL below "normal consumption" levels.

I decided to track my heart rate for a day to see if I'm having spikes after eating or drinking certain things.  I even took an anxiety pill last night, in case anxiety issues were interfering.  I use an app on my phone to track my BP.  Looking over the timeline and notes, I have hit nearly 130 bpm a couple of times during the last 24 hours.  Once was at 2:30 am when I woke up for a short time in the night.  My lowest point was barely under 100bpm when I very first woke up this morning, before getting out of bed.  A banana split didn't cause a spike in heart rate.  32 oz. of Dr Pepper did not cause a spike.  As usual, my heart rate has mostly varied between 110-120.

Last week was a fun and busy week, and Saturday evening I was in a lot of pain and extremely cold.  I took a lortab, and got in a warm bath while drinking some Dr Pepper.  The combination of narcotics, temperature change, and soda did push me up just over 130.  Yes, I get periods of moderate to extreme diziness.  Yes, I get very tired (though I have so many triggers for fatigue who would I ever know?!?!?!).  Yes, I sometimes feel short of breath.  But what's a girl to do?

Drowning in Grief

Some sixteen years ago my sister was life flighted to a special hospital where she had an emergency c-section to deliver twin boys nearly 3 months early.  One of the boys was sent to the NICU.  The other was run across a passageway to the NICU in a specialty children's hospital.  About 20 hours later after a tiny nearly-impossible glitch in the life support system the sicker of the two boys passed away.

Nearly a year and a half ago my brother and his wife learned their daughter would likely not survive full term, but could die any day in her mother's womb.  Tearful story short, this girl was a fighter.  She did survive 4 more months to full term.  She survived delivery.  She lived for three days, then in the arms of her father and mother she passed away.

Several weeks ago a friend's nearly teenage daughter, in a fluke accident, was left brain damaged and sedated in an advanced PICU, hoping the swelling would go down.  A few days later and just two weeks before what would have been her 13th birthday, she passed away.

A couple of months ago through a blessed series of events my uncle discovered he had advanced pancreatic cancer.  His grown children, my cousins, watched and did all they could to support their failing father and soon to be widowed mother.  Less than a month after his diagnosis he passed away.

Several months ago my brother-in-law's father was diagnosed with advanced brain tumors.  The right medicine became available at the right time and they were hopeful for a little more time to have this husband, father, and grandfather around.  This also happens to be the father of my friend who lost her daughter so recently.  Not long after that young girls death it was discovered that there was nothing more to be done for her grandfather's tumors.  Two days ago he passed away.

Just this afternoon we learned that another family member's greatly hoped for pregnancy has ended in miscarriage.


It is true that I'm at least one step away from all these problems.  My daughters are all healthy.  My husband is healthy.  I'm not dying (which is about the best I can say).  My mom is healthy.  But I still mourn and grieve over these losses.  I can see people on every side of me hurting and wishing to be with these loved ones.  My heart hurts for them.  And at the same time I cling a little tighter to the ones that matter so much to me.

To those who are drowning in a lake of grief and emotional pain: I'm sorry.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  No, I do not know the same level of grief as you do. I do know a thing or two about drowning, though.  I send my love, my compassion, and my hope that you can find your feet to stand up above the grief that may seem to be drowning you today.

Drowning

Have you ever thought of what scares you most?

The thought of drowning has always been scary to me.

I do fine in water, enjoy swimming, and grew up canoeing down the Columbia River.  

I am not scared of water, I'm scared of drowning.

The thought of all the fight I can muster getting me nowhere.  

The thought of that moment when the body must reflexively gasp for air, but draw in the killing water instead.

That scares me.

Usually I've been able to handle my pain.  

Usually it goes up and down on a day-to-day basis.  

Since I started on various medications to manage symptoms I can usually go from day to day with hope.  

Hope that tomorrow will give me that breath of fresh air I need to at least make it to the next breath.

It has been so long now since my last breath of fresh air.

It has been so long now since I've had low enough levels of pain that I could push it to the back of my worries and enjoy something else today.

I feel like I'm drowning in pain.  

And that scares me.

You know the old saying "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've seen the following retort "I don't know if it's killing me or making me stronger."

I don't know.

What causes all this pain?

There are no definite answers for so many of my painful conditions.

What will ease this pain?

There is no single answer, and every individual who suffers must forge her or his own path.

I have tried one thing after another. 

Good diet?  I ate beautifully for three weeks.  Three of the most painful weeks I've lived.

Exercise?  Walking through the grocery store can put my legs in screaming pain.  Doing a yoga video ties my mid-back into knots.  Walking up and down the stairs too many times makes my knees scream in agony.  Doing a load of dishes often leaves me unable to raise my arms at all.

Therapy?  I don't have the emotional or financial reserves right now to spend another few hundred dollars a month of professional therapy.  I write.  I talk with others who are fighting.  I read and work through issues with purpose.  Having done some therapy in the past I'm doing the best I can to create self-therapy.  Not perfect, I know, but the best I can create at the moment.

Alternative Medicines?  I use essential oils to ease some pains.  I use yoga as possible to try to promote strength and length in my muscles.  I have not tried a chiropractor because I'm afraid of how bad it could be if it doesn't go well.  

One of my goals has been to avoid constant pain medications.  I do not want the worry of addiction.  I do not want to have to jump from pill to pill, or patch, or injection in order to keep my pain to a livable level.  

I am starting to wonder if I will have to give up this dream.  I have a few pain pills on hand for particularly bad times.  Usually I make it several weeks between doses.  I have had to resort to the pain medication just to be able to think straight.  After lying for hours last night wrapped in a heated blanket trying to warm up and relax enough to sleep I finally gave up.  As soon as the pain medicine kicked in I finally got a few hours of sleep.  until it wore off.

How bad can it really be?  You're making it up.  Just ignore it and it will go away.  It's all in your mind.  If you'd talk to a psychiatrist you'd be fine.  You just want attention.  You're lazy.  Maybe it's just depression.  You'd feel better taking fewer pills.  

I've either heard it, or thought it.  Probably both.  Yes, I worry about these things.  At some point, though, I have had to stop fighting that my body cannot do it all.  Acceptance has allowed me to make some changes that have given me some relief.  Fighting it just allowed more conflict and less peace.  

What if I'm drowning in a pool two inches deep?  That is one of my great worries.  All I can say is that I've swum as far as I can to find the edges.  I've lifted my head as high as I can.  I cannot find the top or the edges.

How much pain can drown you?  Last night if someone had assured me that if I ran around the block one time I would be forever healed, I could not have stood on my two feet to even open the door.  Even wanting it as strongly as I do, it is now beyond my physical capability.

I think I'm drowning.

If it wasn't for a hand here and a piece of flotsam there I'd long since be sunk.

It is time to seek a lifeboat.