"Taking that many pills CAN'T be good for you."

This is not a new statement.  It's nothing I haven't heard many times.  It's not even something I haven't heard from myself!  But it frustrates me every time.  I work to not exhibit frustration because it's a statement that is most often spoken out of love.  Enter: person with "normal" health.  They hear about a myriad of health problems then see or hear of the ridiculous number of pills I am taking.  If pesticides on bananas are going to kill us, then those concentrated chemicals in bright little tablets and capsules are certainly up to no good.  Right?

I am 32 years old.  Today I took close to 25 individual pills/tablets/capsules (most shown here)

I promise you, I do not take these for my personal enjoyment.  In fact, it is not uncommon for me to have complications with taking pills.  With this many medications who knows what strange interactions you may get with a body that's already unique.  I very carefully track each medicine I take and keep a close eye out for contraindications or unhappy side effects, but this doesn't mean I may not stumble on some odd reaction anyway.

I have no desire to become dependent on medications.  I would love to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast, go through the day, and go to bed at a decent hour.  Instead I get up, take my pills, eat at least enough to get the pills down my throat and prevent nausea, go through the day until an alarm goes off (at least once in the day) on my phone to remind me that I have to take another dose of some medicine.  Come bedtime I have to swallow another handful of pills, make sure they all went down properly, manage the side effects, and finally fall asleep.  I'm tied to my medications!  I cannot stay overnight somewhere without my "portable pharmacy".  I have to keep several medications with me at nearly all times in case they become necessary so I do not have to ditch whatever I'm doing to get back to my medicine.

I hate them.

BUT at the same time, I am grateful for them.

I really hope that in even just a few months I'll be able to be taking significantly fewer medicines.  Once this inflammation clears up (please?!?!?!) I can cut out the steroids, the anti-anxiety meds to manage the side effects of the steroids.  In a couple of months I hope to be able to end the long term antibiotics for my bladder (if it will stay calmed down) and reduce the bladder numbing medication to just during the occasional flare.  I hope that sooner, rather than later, my fibromyalgia will be well enough managed that I can cut out the muscle relaxers, except during a flare.  I expect it is unlikely that I will be able to stop taking the daily medication to keep my fibro managed, though.

Even with those good-case scenarios, here's what I'm stuck with:
*acid blockers.  Even missing a couple of days of these (if I'm not on the ball enough when I run out) can lead to full flares in my stomach and esophagus.  My esophagus is so scarred and occasionally inflamed that the doctor is very limited in his options for dilating my esophagus if/when it becomes constricted again.  As is usual with my body, once a pain cycle begins (such as from missing my med a few days) it is very difficult to get it to calm down again.
*depression and anxiety medications.  Would it be nice to go without these hefty chemicals?  Heck yeah!  Could good therapy create enough change that it would be possible?  I suppose it could.  I know that some therapy would be useful to me and have even intended to return to it at some point.  Attending regular therapy is expensive, time consuming, and emotionally draining.  I do not know that I am currently in a solid enough place to manage that at this time.  It is something I may look into more closely at some point, but stopping my depression and anxiety meds in favor of using that money on a shrink isn't so simple as all that.  It is part of a long-term goal I have to gain those emotional tools to manage my D/A better.  In the mean time I use my hubs as a sounding board and talk things out with him OFTEN.  I also have created this little black hole of thoughts and feelings where I can think out loud and get things out where I can examine them at my leisure.

*thyroid meds.  This is a bit of a complexity.  My hypothyroidism is uncommonly diagnosed as "euthyroid hypothyroidism".  Basically this means that the blood tests claim my thyroid is functioning well but something is still wrong and treatment helps.  I have my thyroid levels checked annually and they are doing well.  I ran out of the meds once for a few days and could not believe the difference I get from being on this tiny dose of medicine.  Interestingly, I discovered recently that a rare side effect of the med I take for anxiety can cause the body to not handle thyroid stuff effectively, therefore causing the body to react as if in a hypothyroid state.  If I was ever to be able to get off anxiety meds, or perhaps even change them(?) I may be able to stop the thyroid medication.

*fibro meds.  As previously mentioned, I cannot at this point see how to manage my fibro without the assistance of medications.  Hopefully as my overall health improves I may be able to more effectively manage my fibro though exercise, diet, and perhaps supplements (I'll save my supplements +/- rant for another day).


Here is my plea:  PLEASE remember that every body is different.  I am happy to hear of suggestions, recommendations, thing that have worked for others, etc.  BUT please do not act like you know more about my body than I do.  I want to understand my body.  I want to know why it feels and reacts the way it does. I want to know what medicines, supplements, exercises, etc. do to my body.  I am the one living in this body.  I can better feel and recognize the changes that happen in my body than any amount of book learning or even personal experience can teach anybody else.  PLEASE trust me that I am doing my very best to make my way through life.  I have no desire to be a drugged up zombie, but I also am not willing to spend 80% of every day doing special therapy, exercises, bio-feedback, diet planning or whatever else just so I can spend that last sliver of my day without the need of chemical intervention.  I do believe that medicines wisely used can be a real help to us.  They can allow us to work at our own pace and ability to improve our lives.  Some may always be necessary for my body.  Some may be occasionally necessary.  Just know that I am doing my best.  When my body begins to break down in some way (such as an infection) everything falls apart.  That is true.  It is the nature of many of the problems I have.

This year has been a hallmark year for me medically.  I made it all the way to the month of March without an infection that required antibiotics.  I also made it all the way to March without any trips to the emergency room.  That is a wonderful thing for me!  As my body again begins to settle down I hope to make some other improvement in my life that may help me step towards chemical independence, but I am learning to accept my body as it is -- hives, allergies, infections and all.